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My Story

At 40, I Cried With An Agenda

Being single sucks!

When I was in my 20s, I declared that if I didn’t have a baby by the time I was 35yrs old, then I wasn’t going to have one at all. I was firm on this point, never conceiving of the possibility that I would get to thirty-five and not be married with two children and no dogs. And then before I knew it, thirty-three came. I calculated that I would have to meet Mr. Right, date for a year, marry in six months, and get pregnant right away to meet my deadline. Of course, I had to meet him that day. Well, Dec 3, 2002, came and went, and now my timeline was getting crunched. Dec 3, 2003, rolled around, and I calculated that I could still date for a year, but the engagement needed to be shorter, and if I was at least pregnant by thirty-five, then I would call it good. But thirty-four came and went and there was no Mr. Right. There wasn’t even a Mr. Could-Be-Right!

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And then in the blink of an eye, it was Dec 3, 2004. It was unbelievable to me that I was 35 years old and had no child, no pregnancy, and no man! Now, I also had no HOPE! I was depressed! I love my birthday, and will always love my birthday, but when I turned thirty-five and it was confirmed that my dreams were crushed, I crashed a little bit. Of course, I thought about moving the deadline, I mean thirty-six is not that much older than thirty-five, right? But again, I would have to meet him that day, and that didn’t happen.

People, well-meaning people, started reminding me how women were having babies well into their forties now, so it was not over for me. I would look at them and smile, but in my head, I would be thinking, “I ain’t bit more trying to have a baby at 40 anything.”

Now, I just focused on the husband. I had always assumed that I would be married by twenty-five or thirty at the latest so that is why there had been no deadline for that. I believed it was just part of the natural flow of life. You grow up, go to college, meet your future spouse, start a career, get married, and live happily ever after.

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But not so much. On Dec 3, 2009, my brother and sister-in-law gave me a blowout party for my 40th birthday. Some of my friends came down from Richmond to Florida to celebrate with me. It was an awesome event because my sister-in-love only does awesome events. I’m loving it! My friends from here and there are saying great things about me and we are sharing great memories. And it doesn’t even cross my mind that, “I am still not married.”

But…

When all the hoopla is over, and everyone goes back home to their spouses and children…my house is silent and my bed is empty. And I seriously thought, “I am never going to have THAT”.

“They” say that a woman in her forties has a greater chance of being hit by lightening than getting married. And when I began to settle into, and even accept, that it was possible that I would never get married and share my life with someone in that way, being hit by lightning didn’t seem so bad. I had a teensy-weensy meltdown, but it was at this milestone, after the meltdown, that my thinking began to change.

At 40, I cried with an agenda!

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